• 29Nov

    feeling anxious before chemo?  try some anti anxiety medicine!

    feeling sore at night from the tissue expanders?  try some valium!

    feeling a little pain from the surgery?  Have some Percocet!

    Tylenol not doing the trick?  have some Tylenol with codeine!

     

    let’s just say I’m going to be a very popular “desperate housewife” when all this is said and done.  I’ll be cancer free but flush with good narcotics!

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  • 28Nov

    Remember when your kids were babies and you used to make up stupid little songs (in your idiotic new parent voice!) about everything they did?  I dare any of you to deny that you sung little tunes like “this is the way we wipe the poop, wipe the poop, wipe the poop”.  Remember those annoying Raffi songs?  Something about eating apples and bananas??  Tell me you didn’t tweak the words to fit whatever your kids were doing at the time.  Tell me you didn’t sing those Barney songs when you needed the room cleaned up:  “clean up; clean up; everybody everywhere … clean up; clean up; everybody do their share”.  I thought the days of stupid song singing were over.  My girls are teenagers; no one is singing songs about poop. 

     

    Not so fast, cancer girl!!!!  I’m now finding myself dealing with the mundane tasks associated with surgery the same way I dealt with the mundane tasks of being a new mom.  Like a dope, I’m humming little songs to myself, “this is the way we empty the drains, empty the drains, empty the drains; this is the way we empty the drains so early in the morning”. 

     

    Word to the wise: call before stopping by our house.  I’m guessing it would be disturbing if you heard a 46 year old woman singing songs about surgical drains. 

     

    P.S.  Can anyone think of any catchy tunes for chemo?  reconstruction? 

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  • 27Nov

     

    One of the joys of the post surgical process is coming home with surgical drains.  Each drain hangs from a tube just somehow stuck into your underarm area.  It’s uncomfortable, feels a bit like you’re being stuck randomly by safety pins, and you get the joy of emptying it out 3x/day and measuring the output.  What, you may ask, is actually in the drain?  As best I can tell, it’s body gook … the lovely red/yellow liquid that would normally build up internally now drains effortlessly into this little light bulb size Tupperware container that hangs randomly at the end of a long tube from your under arm, like a dysfunctional Christmas Tree ornament. 

     

    Like most mothers of teen agers, I struggle to find ways to make my daughters listen to me.  I’ve tried all the things they suggest in the parenting book, but somehow, my girls always seem to have the upper hand.  UNTIL NOW!!!!  Last week, my daughter was acting up a bit, and I was tired of trying to be the perfect parent.  As she was sassing it up, I held out my surgical drain as though I were a gun slinger in the wild wild west, and I said, “if you mess with me again, I will squirt bodily fluids at you”.  I smiled calmly and just tucked it back into the little hospital fanny pack where it normally sits during the day.  Let’s just say I’ve had no sassy talk from my daughter this week :)

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  • 26Nov

    When did double breasted suits come back in style?

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  • 23Nov

     There’s an odd thing about being diagnosed with cancer:  you suddenly become fearless.  it’s almost like you’ve checked the “crappy” box by having breast cancer, and now you think nothing else can harm you.  While I’m not jumping out of airplanes, I’m doing all sorts of reckless things:  jay walking, running with scissors, and dialing my cell phone while driving.  Heck; some days I don’t even floss. 

     

    With my new emboldened attitude, I was recently out walking the trails of the local park and I came upon a dog (no owner in sight) that wasn’t on a leash.  My heart skipped about 10 beats as I prayed to God that this wasn’t a rabid ferocious dog.  (please stop laughing about the fact that I’m 46 and still sort of afraid of dogs!!)  Eventually some entitled local woman came up behind the dog and it followed her out of the park (nobody in “Stepford” actually thinks the “must have dog on leash” rule applies to THEM!!).   I thought this was a God-wink to remind me that having breast cancer doesn’t give you a total “hall pass” to do whatever you want.  I guess I’ll have to wait on those bungee jumping lessons

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  • 22Nov

     

    After the surgery, I went to get my hair washed at SuperCuts.  The “stylist” was making small talk with me and commented that she liked my highlights (funny… no one refers to them as “Sarah Palin copper highlights” any more … just “highlights”.  Anyway, she asked where I got them done.  When I mentioned the name of the swanky salon up the street, she commented how expensive that place was and that next time, I should have them done here at Supercuts. 

     

    Snob that I am, I chuckled inside.  Supercuts?  Why not just get my hair highlighted at Wal-Mart???  Or perhaps the Mobil station?  Does Dunkin Donuts give highlights if you buy 2 dozen donuts??? 

    But then I realized the great irony in what was about to happen to me.  I was about to go into chemo-therapy amnesty!  think about it:  what would be the worst that would happen? 

    ·         You’d get a crappy highlight job and feel bad.  No problem; your hair was going to fall out anyway.

    ·         They would do such a bad job that it would ruin your healthy head of hair?  No problem;  your hair was going to fall out anyway.

    ·         Your soft copper highlights would turn out to be brassy and orange?  No problem; your hair was going to fall out anyway.

     

    Is there anything else I can try before my chemo amnesty day??  go to super-cuts and ask for a swanky “Posh Spice” hair do?  Tell them to cut it short and die it blond and make me look like Sharon Stone?   Go in and say, “surprise me”.  I’m open to ideas………  what have I got to lose?  I’m going to have total hair amnesty this winter thanks to the good fortune of chemo therapy. 

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  • 19Nov

    As part of this breast cancer “adventure”, I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time with doctors and genetic counselors talking about genes and family history.  I can now safely “blame” the breast cancer on the fact that my mom also had BC at an early age.   I know that every uncle had at least one form of cancer (although they all lived well into their 80’s/90’s, so that’s a good thing). 

     

    What I’m wondering is what genetic mutation can I blame for my chocolate addiction?  My OCD behavior where the piles have to be at perfect right angles?  the fact that I can’t fall asleep if the TV isn’t on?  the inability to learn how to change the ink cartridge on the printer?  the loud shrill way I yell at my girls when they leave their dirty socks in the dining room???  Is there a genetic test to see if you will become a loud whining Jewish shrew wife and mother????  if not, all those naïve unsuspecting IVY league educated Jewish doctors better get busy inventing one!

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  • 18Nov

     

    What does it mean that my breast surgeon (the person who chops off the old, no longer reliable breasts) is a woman and the plastic surgeon (the re-builder of new perky never-need an under-wire bra breasts) is a man?? 

     

    Perhaps my previous blog was right:  women are anxious to chop them off, and men just want to stare at them!

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  • 17Nov

    Who says surgical drains aren’t sexy????

    No breasts, just tubes and drains...

    Sorry Mickey and all 13 year old boys. No photos of old or new breasts, just tubes and drains...

    It’s just one big science experiment.  Where do all those tubes go???? 

    ps.  first person to comment on need for sit-ups (none since first surgery in October!) is in big trouble!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  • 17Nov

     

    I stared at that little Ziploc bag of liquid that flowed into my veins via IV hook up for 2 days.  I asked each nurse what it was and I got answers like, “it’s a sugar and water solution to give you energy since you can’t eat while in surgery” or “it’s a water and salt solution to keep you hydrated”.  SUGAR?  SALT?  WATER?  HYDRATION?  Is it my imagination or are hospitals giving I.V. GATORADE ???????????????  Would a little I.V. Grey Goose kill them?  potato?  water?  dulls the pain?  Come on medical professionals … Let’s get creative!!!

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