The Thing About Breast Cancer

I invite any friends to email me if you want to guest blog on my site.  Today’s guest blog comes from a dear friend who has a wonderful combination of sassy and sweet in her approach to friendship.  Please feel free to comment at the bottom of this post. 

First you hear the news. These are your friend’s breasts. Breasts on a person you have known since third grade. Breasts that were infamous in their day. The word “Boomer” was used on these guys.

You think— how horrible, how awful, how terrible, how tragic, OH MY GOD — all run through your head. You think, “how can this be happening”?  You cry— all the while realizing that the owner of the breasts has been going through this for weeks, and is now trying to appear strong to all the people receiving the news.

You wonder—Why? What? And how?– you immediately think of your own boobs and check backwards in your head as to when your last mammogram was. You realize the insensitivity of bringing up the chance for brand new fresh boobs, even though secretly, the thought of brand new perky fresh boobs is not exactly unappealing.

You wonder what can I do? What can I send? What can I bring? The helpless feeling is only lessened by MasterCard/Visa or Amex and personal contact. A visit, a ride, laundry, a meal— the desire to help someone you love who is hurting is very strong.  Nothing seems to be enough or the right thing to do, yet you can’t help asking. Over and Over.  As the friend who truly likes to be left alone, you wonder— are you being annoying? Too solicitous? Too much “there”? Too prying?

Then you realize the problem is in the boobs not in the friend, and nothing you do can be wrong. You just have to do it.

·         I did not save my old breasts in a jar to someday show anyone’s 13 year old son as a bar mitzvah gift

·         I did not ask the art students at the local university to sculpt a Rodin-esque bust of my old self

·         If you send your husband over, I will not show him my scars

·         I will not ask the plastic surgeon to take my down to an “A” cup in order to re-live the carefree days when I was 12 years old

·         I do not sit in front of the TV tearfully watching Dolly Parton movies or Pamela Anderson TV appearances

·         I am forever done with underwire bras and wearing 3 sports bras at a time just to go for a 30 minute run

other questions?  please comment below.

I have a port under my collar bone on left side. It was implanted under my skin during my recent surgery and will, apparently, make the chemo injections much less painful. To me, it seems like such a waste to have an uncomfortable metal object hanging under my skin JUST for chemo. I’m taking suggestions about what else I can use this devise for:

· Maybe a slow release of beta blockers to treat my Raynaud’s syndrome (AKA “cold hands syndrome”)?

· Maybe a time release peroxide for highlights that always stay fresh?

· Why not Grey Goose through the IV? That would definitely take the edge off, don’t you think?

· Why not a Blue Tooth type devise to avoid the pesky ear piece while talking on the phone?

· A friend suggested that I should take a page from an old “Gilligan’s Island” episode where Gilligan’s tooth filling acted as a radio. Maybe my little metal port could act as a satellite so I’d have 700+ channels of TV wherever I went?????

any other suggestions? please comment below.

We all know that we play stupid little games throughout our life .. usually being slightly irreverent about things that should be sacred.  I doubt my family is the only family to take bets on which Hanukkah candle will burn out first and which will stay the longest.  Which protein bar tastes the most like Passover chocolate?  How quickly can you get liquored up at the Passover Seder without your Aunt Sally suspecting that you’re totally loopy? 

We’ve discovered a new pass time at our house:  cancer games.  Trust me; it’s loads of fun. 

– Betting on which drain will have more liquid and what day the doctor will remove the drain

– Looking at the myriad of scars under my arm and seeing what shape they resemble (hey; that one looks like “Italy”)

– trying to see if the port nestled under my skin below my left collar bone jiggles when I laugh

Whoever is keeping the list at home of the side benefits of cancer,  please add “provides amusing games for the whole family” to your list!

Comments?  tell me below in the comment section.